Thanks Father!

Dear Father,

Thank you for helping me pass the time as I wait for the return of your Son.

Though it is now very clear to me that my website will not play any part in your kingdom, I am very thankful to you for allowing me to have it. It helps keeps me occupied as I wait for the return of your Son, and it also provides an “outlet” for all the wonderful things that are stored up inside of me.

At the beginning of this year, I was in misery as I waited for the return of your Son. I was incredibly board, and I also felt incredible lonely and isolated. In my misery I cried out to you, and thankfully you heard my cry. For it wasn’t long after I cried out to you that you compelled me to once again start my website.

I must admit that as I began to work on my website I was filled with great excitement. I felt that I was possibly doing something important for your kingdom. But as the days have passed by, I can now see that that is not the case. Instead, it appears that my website only exist as a means of keeping me busy as I wait for you.

I want you to know that I am in no way disappointed. Instead, I am very thankful to you for showing me this kindness. For the past couple of months have been enjoyable and they have passed by really fast. I realize that such seasons do not last forever, but I am thankful to you for them while they last.

I look very forward to the day that I no longer need a means of passing the time. I look forward to the day when my hope is finally fulfilled. I look forward to the day that I look up to the sky and see your Son. For it is then that my waiting will be over. It is then that I will be home and my life can finally begin.

Oh how I long for that day!

You son,
Jason

Throwing in the Towel? - Not yet!

Last night I was very discouraged. I was once again overwhelmed with a sense of futility regarding all my effort. I just finished writing something that I had been working on for a while and was initially excited about sharing it. But at some point between completing it and sharing it, I began to feel very doubtful that anyone would actually take the time to read it. Despite the fact that the things I write are very wonderful and exciting to me, I also realize that to many, they are nothing but more dull opinion on spiritual matters. Last night, this realization almost overwhelmed me to the point of just calling it quits.

However, in the midst of this, my wife in her wisdom told me that maybe I was just tired. She suggested I go to bed and get a good night sleep. Realizing that she might be right, I went to bed. As I was trying to go to sleep, my wife began to read from 1st Corinthians to me. For the most part, I was completely out-of-it during her reading. I'm not really sure whether I was drifting in and out of sleep or whether I was just day dreaming. All I know for sure is that I heard basically nothing until she read that last verse of chapter 15 which says: Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

While I can't say that this was a specific message from God to motivate me to keep going (for I can't even promise you that it is God who is motivating me to do this in the first place), I can say that I was encouraged to do just that. I was suddenly renewed with a new desire and commitment to keep pressing forward. And so, once again, that is what I am doing. While a day may come in which I throw in the towel, it is at least not today.

And with that said, I can now say that today was a pretty good day. I posted my most recent writing on a couple of "Christian" forums and I received a few very encouraging responses. They were encouraging because they seemed to indicate that the reader really comprehended what I was saying. And trust me; that is a very rare thing. While it remains to be seen what comes of the people who sent me the responses, it was at least a very timely boost that I was glad to receive.

Busy

It has been almost non stop for the past couple of weeks.

I rebuilt my website, and I finally got it back on line today.

My voice recorder arrived last Friday, and I've already gotten some use out of it in regards to my website.

I still have a million things to do. I have some writings I need to finish. I have a video I would like to make. And I have some audio recording I would like to do. One way or another, I am going to speak the truth that I know.

How different things now are from the first of the year. At that time I was bored silly and yearning to go home. But for the past month, I have been anything but bored. And though I still of course long for home, I feel that I can wait a while if I just have a chance to speak the truth I know.

How good these days are! I hope they last.

Edit: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We finally got a high speed internet connection. Since we live a little ways out of town, DSL has not been an option for us. However, we recently learned about a high speed service that uses radio towers to transfer internet service. It works great! It is actually a little faster than the DSL service we used to have. Though it's a little bit more expensive than the service we used to have, it is well worth it.

Exciting Days?

Excitement is burning in my heart. I can hardly sleep or think of anything else. My mind is filled with a million things I need to do.

Since reading the letter from Jude (as mentioned in my last post), my heart has really been stirred to speak the truth. I know something absolutely wonderful, and one way or another I am going to shout it to the world.

For so long, the wonderful gospel of my God has been shut up in side of me. I have yearned to shout for a very long time; yet God would not let me. However, I feel now that just maybe this is going to change. While I don't necessarily believe that I will be heard, I do at least feel I have my Father's permission to begin speaking. Oh, how I hope this is true!

As a result of this stirring inside me, I am changing much of the content on my website. Some things are going to be removed, and I have many things I hope to add.

Tomorrow, I plan to order a digital voice recorder so I can add some audio teaching to my website. I'm also planning on taking complete advantage of YouTube and other video hosting sites. And while I won't be holding my breath waiting for people to actually listen to or watch me speak, I will at least have the momentary joy of saying the things that I find so wonderful.

Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I will wake up to feel that I shouldn't do any of this. Maybe my Father is just being kind to me by giving me a few days of excitement.

If that is all that is happening, then I am thankful to Him for giving me these exciting days. However, I hope that it is more than that. I so hope that I finally get to speak with my mouth the things that have for so long been shut up in my bones.

Futility

Futility -
fu·til·i·ty [fyoo tíllətee]
(plural fu·til·i·ties)
n
1. pointlessness: lack of usefulness or effectiveness
2. pointless action: an action that has no use, purpose, or effect

In one of my earlier post, I wrote that I felt like I needed to write again. Since that time, I have spent many hours trying express in writing the things I feel I need to say. At first it was all well and good, but as time went by, I found that I was having a hard time forming the words to express what I needed to say. I have written and rewritten over and over again, at yet at this time, I am still quite a ways from being done.

I really do not mind spending most of my time on this; however, I have recently began to ask, “what’s the point?” My experience ( not to mention the scripture itself) tells me that no matter what I say or how I say it, I will not be heard.

When I say, “I will not be heard,” I don’t mean that people will not read what I write. While it’s true that most will not, there always remains a few who will. However, even though some will read what I write, they will not hear. No matter how plain my words are, they will not be able to perceive what is really being said.

Being reminded of this, I almost lost all heart and desire to write; however, today my desire to write is once again renewed.

It was renewed last night as I read a letter from my brother Jude (the letter that is in scripture). In his letter to me, he encouraged me to contend for the faith. He encouraged me to do this because he saw the truth of God that he loved being over shadowed by a lie. Seeing this, Jude wrote to encourage me (as well as the rest of the family) to stand up and make sure that the truth is heard. And I have no intention of letting Jude down. I plan to give all the strength and resources I can afford to give to make sure that this truth is proclaimed. While I don’t expect anyone to believe it. I am still going to declare it.

Will all my effort be futile? If converting people to truth was my goal, then one could safely predict that: Yes. My work will most likely be futile. However, converting people to truth is not my goal (all though I would greatly rejoice in such results). My only goal is making sure that the truth I know and love is proclaimed. And since that alone is my goal, the only way my effort could be futile would be to make no effort at all. And for now, that is not an option.

My Family

Today, I woke up to find my children standing over me with big smiles. Though I would liked to have slept a little bit longer, I realized they were anxious for me to get up. By the smell of things, I could tell that mom had made me a special birthday breakfast, and my kids were ready for me to go to the table. When I reached the kitchen, I found a plate of French toast (my wife makes great French toast) with a single candle in the middle of it. Later, they took me to the living room where they had hung a happy birthday sign that they had made. My kids were all smiles as they showed it to me.

In the past, I might have been embarrassed at such attention, but today, it brought me great joy. I am filled with joy because I sense that these things are done with hearts of sincere love. The smiles that my kids had today, were not smiles that existed because they were proud of what they did, but instead, they were smiling because they thought that these actions were making me happy (which they were).

I am so thankful for my family. God was very kind to provide them to me. The road my Father has chosen to lead me down is a very lonely road. And even though I am fairly certain that I would choose to walk it completely alone, I am very thankful that I do not have to. I am thankful that I have a great wife and two great kids to walk it with me.

To my family: I love you much! Thank you very much for today. It is the greatest honor in the world to be the one chosen by God to lead you as we journey together towards home.

Writing

Right now I am sitting at McDonalds writing.
I am pretty certain that this is something that I have to do.
It seems that I am now working with the same unction and urgancy as when I wrote "The Letter."

Maybe I'm just imagining this.
May I just want to believe I have something important to do.
Only time will tell.